It's Thanksgiving!!1

Today is one of the big holidays in America, in which its citizens give thanks to their ancestors, the natives their ancestors fucked over, and optionally God for the fact that their ancestors got to settle in.

For me, it's Thursday.

Even still, today is widely regarded to be an important day in America, frequently used by American Christians as a jumping block for evangelism. If only there was some way of marking the occasion, even though in Scotland the occasion means nothing and as such Thanksgiving tracts are not used.

WHY LOOK AT THIS

I owe my own thanks to my parents for this one, They recently came back from a trip to New York, and they brought back some souvenirs from a tract stand they came across. They also brought back some Hot Tamales and some Cookie Dough bites. Hot Tamales are awesome. Cookie Dough bites, not so much. Take note America. Chocolatey things are NOT your forte.

Anyways.....

You CAN fit everything on a small bit of paper

This has to be the worst title pun I have ever used!

Found this one today in a phonebox outside Debenhams on Argyle st. I've come across Exist's stuff before, but usually on smaller business cards featuring a single word, half a bible verse and a website. This one's a tri-fold. Clearly they have more to say this time, and can't possibly fit it onto the smaller cards. Perhaps they have recieved some revelation, and need more space to express it. Perhaps they wish to speak in complete sentences and paragraphs instead of single words and tiny sentences. Hit the jump for what I am sure will constitute epic prose by Exist's standard.

Heart Trouble

Part of Saturday's bonanza. 

Will it actually provide a real actual cure to heart trouble which isn't some kind of bait-and-switch Jesus related rubbish? Hit the jump to find out

My Title To Heaven

 Oh goodness me. I took a little stoat about town today after work and found no less than EIGHT unique tracts. Most of them were being handed out by the same guy or group of guys, and were pretty much strewn around everywhere. This is one of them.

Hit the jump for the inside

All right. Back for real. Sorry guys

Well there's no two ways about this. I fucked up. Mere days after promising not to abandon the blog without warning, I went and didn't update for two weeks. Mea Culpa. Forgive me O readers for I have sinned. No particularly dramatic reason or anything. I've just had other stuff on my mind.

The GOOD news on the other hand, is that I have a new folder to store my tracts in. Yup. I have enough of the damn things for them to be a space issue now.

RIGHT, BACK TO IT THEN....

I've found this very tract no less than THREE times this past week. In different phone boxes. IT'S A SIGN!

Z OH MY GOD

I think whoever's handing this one out is doing it wrong though. Hit the jump for more.

Cheap Printout

Found in a phonebox on Sauchiehall street.

No jump today. There was nothing printed on the back. I find it weird that these guys have printed their own, better quality tracts, and have their own timeslot on a televangelism channel, but still managed to print something this cheap and half-assed.

The text itself is pretty standard fare, and there's nothing particularly weird to comment on, although interestingly it looks like it's attempting to feed on social insecurity instead of fear of torture. Not that that's any less cheap a shot or anything.

Awesome Judgement in the New Futuristic Kindom (sic)

I can't remember exactly how I came across this one. Judging from the water damage to it, it must have been on a wet bench or something. That's the thing about Glasgow. You leave this stuff out in the open the chances are the rain'll get to it before the target audience does.

Hit the jump for the inside

One aimed directly at Scotland

This is quite an old one. Found it on Buchanan Street. We've seen fearmongering, we've seen dodgy science, and now we have Plan C - a badly implemented combination of religion and patriotism. Yay Jesuz! All we need now is a re-enactment of the Last Supper with the bread and wine replaced with Haggis and Buckfast.

Actually, now that I think about it, Haggis would actually make a good Last Supper substitute if you REALLY wanted to take the whole Lamb of God angle literally. "This is my body. Heart, lungs, liver, stomach and all."

Communion might get a bit awkward though.

But I digress. Hit the jump for the tract.

RTAP Lives

Sorry for the unannounced pause in content. I needed a week off. I'll give some forewarning if I ever do that again. Have a new background image to make up for it :3

Back to it then.

This one was found last Saturday on Sauchiehall Street. It was being handed out by a group of preachers standing in front of a "JESUS IS LORD" banner with a cross made of bible verses printed on it. Not that they're over the top or anything.

Kinda tired today

So here's a thouroughly uninteresting one I picked up in a phone box on Gordon Street last year. Nothing really to comment on here, it's just a bunch of water themed bible verses clustered together...

Hey it's that guy again

 So, Winners' Convention eh? That makes it the opposite of <insert name of some nerdy convention here> lol i am comedic genis!

Found this one on Buchanan Street a few weeks ago, and would have probably missed it entirely if I hadn't seen this guy a couple of times before. At the very least he seems to have hired someone to make cards that don't make your eyes bleed.

Ron Weasley Died For Your Sins

Fair warning: Lots of tl;dr gabbing ahead.

Now this one might be interesting since I have actually had actual run ins with these actual guys actually. Destiny Church is just down the road from my old school. They would do services for Christmas and Easter and a whole bunch of us would go. I think we were about 60/40 between people who were there to skip class, and people who were there out of actual religious conviction......actually, the class that was on at the same time was Accounting and Finance. Make that 80/20.

You know what, I'm going to put the jump here.

More dreadful poetry

 Another old one. I don't actually remember where I came across this one. There's no stamp on the back, which is the usual indicator that I got it from the guys who pop up on Argyle Street on Sundays, but I've seen these kinds crop up other places as well.

what *about* it?

 Another one from the open air stand a couple months back. Hit the jump for the inside

Crucifying a guy outside Forbidden Planet

Back when I started collecting tracts, this was one I would find quite often. It's a plug for what I guess is a relatively new-ish church. Its members pop up every so often in the city centre to preach to folks, always handing out the same one or two tracts each time. On one occasion, they even staged a crucifixion re-enactment in the middle of Buchanan Street. I found the video and it's just past the jump.

also lol papyrus font.

I think Jesus is stalking me...

So I keep finding these creepy letters in the phone boxes I pass, and this is one I got today. Is this something I should be concerned about? Someone is clearly trying to get my attention and they're being incredibly weird about it. Like one minute he's trying to push his sick, creepy, twisted idea of love at me, like how he is watching me everywhere I go even when I sleep, the next he's leaving me all these OTHER letters threatning to burn me alive if I don't return his love.

I'm starting to think I should go to the police and file a restraining order.

Prior knowledge is assumed

Found today in a phone box opposite the Next on Argyle Street. There was another much worse one in the booth next to it, but that one's for another day. I really don't have it in me today for anything too rage-inducing.

Hit the jump for the back

OMIGOD IT'S JACK CHICK!

 So I was in town with some peeps today, and at about 1 o-clockish on Buchanan Street, we saw a guy with ridiculous hair and beard wielding a sign reading "For what profit a man should he gain the whole world but lose his own soul." Seeing that he was handing out tracts, my first instinct of BACK AWAY FROM THE CRAZY ended up being overridden by my blog-updating urge to go up and ask for one, after I looked at it for about half a second before I couldn't contain myself and found myself yelling "OH MY GOD IT'S JACK CHICK" incredibly loudly.
Slight overreaction I admit, but holy fuck damn it's a fucking Chick Tract I LOVE these things. They are like beautiful little pocket train wrecks of theology. Okay okay I know I covered one of these before at the very start of this blog, but this is TOTALLY different. For starters I'm going to cover the whole thing rather than just highlights, and two it's not a soggy copy which has been penned on.

SO we have some proper Chick coverage today folks. JUMP AWAAAAYYYY!

Bible verse spam attack.

Found in a phone box in Argyle Street. Yet another one from the Evangelical Tract Association.

Hit the jump for the back

You too can shave and not wear a hat with the help of Jesus

This was being handed out by some preachers on Sauchiehall Street last month.

Before, he had a hat, beard, and shades, and now he has a terrible haircut and vacant stare. TRULY this is a miracle.

One for the kids

Found this one on Saturday on the ground on Gordon Street. Unfortunately it was too soggy to open and I just binned it. By sheer luck, divine providence, or the fact that the same people had hit a few phone boxes that day, I found it in a different phonebox on the way to work the next morning.

Hit the jump for the inside. I think it's probably important to note at this point that this tract was WRITTEN FOR CHILDREN!

A quick breather.

This is a handwritten postcard to you. Yup. That's right. You're special enough a friend to warrant a font that's meant to resemble handwriting. Seriously either type it using a typey font or actually write it by hand and photocopy it a bunch, but "handwriting" fonts invariably look lame.

But hey at least it's not Comic Sans.

or Papyrus.

Hit the jump for the inside.

The Name - a horribly painfully obvious con trick.

This was found today in a phonebox on Argyle StreePAPYRUS FONT! OH FOR GOD'S SAKE DON'T USE THAT!
This booklet promotes an upcoming series of things by the Universal Church of the Kingdom of God. I went into this one expecting plenty of dumbness, but upon further investigation of the church and people behind it, I think it's safe to say we have a cult on our hands......like, moreso than usual. We're off and in the deep end as far as OBVIOUS CON TRICKS are concerned here.

Go jump, and prepare for a booklet sized deal this time.

No Pastafarianism?

Another old one. Found on the ground on Sauchiehall street ages ago.

For some reason on the list, Islam gets mentioned three times and Judaism is missed out entirely. I like how Scientology gets a cameo as well.

Ehhhh. Hit the jump.

Wrong cover image?

This was found in the same phonebox as The Question, the following day (yesterday.)  I guess someone must have that box marked for regular tracting.

Hit the jump for the inside, but first, take a note of the cover image. It's important y'see.

So who here likes crosswords? Also Scientology.

A while back, I mentioned how the Cult of Scientology used to do "Free Stress Test" sessions in Glasgow on Saturdays. Amongst the things they handed out when they were around was tabloid sized leaflet which attempts to sell you their Dianetics stuff, which consists of incredibly expensive books, incredibly expensive DVDs and INCREDIBLY expensive auditing sessions.

Also it's part of a cult.

Hit the jump and be prepared for a long one. This is really one for tearing into  :D

Adventures of the Evangelist Clock!

This tract is by a company called the Evangelical Tract Distributors. I've been coming across a LOT of their stuff lately. This one was found today in fact, in the same phone box as yesterday's entry.

Also the pen marks where there when I found it. Go ahead and hit the jump.

Beware - shitty poetry ahead

Found in a telephone box at Trongate

Hit the jump for the inside

Blur filter overload

Found on a bench last year (2009 how about that) in Sauchiehall Street. The church/tour it's advertising is/was in Edinburgh though, so yeah.

Hit the jump for the other side

again

as i walk down the city streets

with my friends

my eyes

 turn towards the phone box

where lies the familiar card

have we been here before?

hit the jump

Blessed are the bawbags

Okay I admit it. I think this one's kind of cute. It was a freebie last year some time in the Sunday Herald, which in general, and in spite of this, is a pretty good broadsheet, albeit rather old fashioned. So yeah.

Hit the jump for the inside, and a video clip.

Oh joy, a Divorce tract.....also Fireproof.

All right, I DID have something planned for today, but that's been postponed. I just went and watched Fireproof (a shitty Christian movie about a guy saving his marriage because Jesus) with one of my E-friends, which to our UTTER SHOCK AND SURPRISE turned out to be an incredibly dull movie with terrible writing and awful characters designed to forward the movie's preachy message and plug their Save Your Marriage Because Jesus book first, and function as characters second.

So here's a leaflet on divorce I found on Buchanan street one day.

Hit the jump.

Volcanic activity is VERY comparable to 40 days and 40 nights worth of torrential rainfall apparently, at least according to this card which was, again, taken from the Open Air stall in early August.

Hit the jump for the back

Oh look, a testimony

Ahh, testimonial "evidence." This is a thing that happened to me personally and therefore X Y and Z.

Good on the guy for kicking his drug habits though, although I would say the actually getting help bit probably did a little bit more than the Suddenly, Jesus bit.

No jump this time, the back was left blank.

The crowd might be wrong - Here, follow this crowd.

I can't remember how I got this one. I think it popped up in a phone box or something. The more I do this, the more I grow to really really hate Glasgow's phone boxes. Not so much for the junk I find in them, more for the foul odours. Phone boxes are not urinals you stupid motherfuckers UGH!

Hit the jump for the exciting interior

The future's on its way. Be afraid!

This one was part of a whole shelf load of tracts some guys had set up outside the Buchanan Galleries a while back (The same one I got the "Fossil Hat" card, and some other stuff still to be blogged)

Hit the jump in the future for a page you will see slightly further in the future.

Clipart for Christ

He was able to remove his face at will.

His head could shrink while his body grew to enormous proportions.

He hit the jump for the rest

and so life goes on

There's something strange about moving back to standard tracts after such a ridiculous posting yesterday. I can't help but worry that this blog may have peaked. Indeed, this may lead to the question of....

and by life I mean this blog, I mean I'm not going to end myself OR this blog just because I've blogged the craziest pile of nonsense I have ever seen.

Continue to jump the hit.

Pope Day Madness - Part Two - The Popenning.

In Part 1, (here if you missed it) we covered the EU being a SEKRIT CATHOLIC CONSPIRIACY and how there is a SEKRIT CATHOLIC CONSPIRIACY to undermime the royal family and how his GREATEST CRIME is making the sabbath a Sunday.

The weirdest however is yet to come. Hit the jump for PART TWO.

Pope Day Madness - Part 1

You are not ready....

I'm serious. There is nothing you can do to prepare for the sheer madness that follows over the next eight pages.

For this faux-newspaper, given to me yesterday by a man on Buchanan Street, and being handed out by at least two others, could be the most bizarre and psychotic piece of work I have covered in the short time I have kept this blog.

Hit the jump for the madness

The Gospel in manly pink

This one crops up in a phone box on the way to work every so often.

Also it is pink.

Hit the jump...

Tracts on a train

I could have gone with Train Tracts, but that's even more lame really...

Greatest question in the world: WHY are you using the Papyrus Font? Why on earth would you want to DO that?

This one was given to me by an old man on the train to Paisley one afternoon. He was moving through the train giving them out to everyone.

Jump for the inside.

But in the Latin alphabet, Jehovah begins with an I....

Every so often, a Jehovah's Witness pamphlet shows up in a phone booth literally just a couple of minutes from where I live. This is one of them. The front design's a bit unusual for a JW pamphlet. Most of the other ones I've seen have people sitting in fields or sunsets, so the Sci-fi grid is a little bit out of left field.

Hit the jump for the inside.

*checks watch* Yup. Seems the world is STILL just about to end ANY time now

Something that someone typed up in MS Word, printed onto an A4 sheet of paper, then left on a bench in Sauchiehall street one fine Saturday afternoon.... I guess.

Hit the jump to unfold.

TAEK HEEED NAAOOO!!!!!!

Oh look, a clever play on spelling to make the tract appeal to the dyslexic enviromentalist. Classy! This one was being handed out one day to students making their way into Paisley University of the West of Scotland.

Hit the jump and TAKE HEED NOW!!

London Break - Part 5 - I swear this is the last one.

This is the last of the London tracts. Found lodged between some railings at Speaker's Corner. I don't think it was being handed out by any of the speakers present.

London Break - Part 4 - It Continues

Another one from Speaker's Corner..... Well, it was closer to Marble Arch, and looks like it'd been stepped on a whole bunch. To be honest I just want the London stuff out of the way so I can focus on the madness closer to home ;)

Hit the jump for the rest...

Oh come on. Is this the best they've got? It's going to take a lot more than underlining random words to get anywhere.

London Break - Part 3 - I Heart Speaker's Corner

On our last day in London, I decided to pay a brief visit to Speaker's Corner. Speaker's Corner is basically one of the most fucking brilliant ideas ever. Granted, it is something which undoubtedly is largely occupied by preachers, conspiriacy nuts, trolls and general whackjobs, but that's part of the fun of it, and par for the course in the great free exchange of ideas.

When I went, (early afternoon, August 1st) there were four distinct speakers there. One was a Jamaican guy wearing comedy devil horns, telling people to "divorce Jesus." The next was a Muslim stand, but I wasn't able to get close enough to that one in the short time I was there. My dad informs me that he was there later on and some lady started causing drama by yelling at them that all Muslims are terrible people because september 11th etc.

The third guy is where I got this tract, and a couple more from. He was a pretty standard preacher of Turn or Burn Christianity, and seems to have got his tracts from the same source as whoever had left "Are You Saved" in the phonebox the previous night. He had some henchmen with him to hand the tracts out. Finally, there was a guy on a soapbox singing something I couldn't understand. He was wearing a Star Of David tie and trousers with "Jesus Is Lord" written on them. Opposite him were a bunch of signs which I didn't get to read all the way through (Like I said, I was pushed for time and had other stuff I wanted to do) which appeared to be geared towards convincing Jews that Jesus was the messiah this whole time.

But enough talk. There's a tract I'm meant to finish isn't there. Go hit the jump