You are not ready....
I'm serious. There is nothing you can do to prepare for the sheer madness that follows over the next eight pages.
For this faux-newspaper, given to me yesterday by a man on Buchanan Street, and being handed out by at least two others, could be the most bizarre and psychotic piece of work I have covered in the short time I have kept this blog.
Hit the jump for the madness
Alright, so nothing COMPLETELY whacked out yet. The pope bit is a fairly straight synopsis of the planned POPE VISIT FESTIVITIES of STUFF, and the OH NOES TEH ANTI-QUEENZ headline and the OH NOESZ TEHA EURPEUNIONZ WILL BLOW UP TEH FREDOMZ! is nothing you wouldn't expect in a typical Daily Mail headline. Nothing too crazy you may think....
Haw Haw Haw!
Well I've heard plenty of EU related conspiracies before, but them being some sort of SEKRIT CATHOLIC CONSPIRACY is new to me.... yeah this is going to go completely nuts on page two isn't it....
You know, most people would be happy with stating that the Catholic Church is a hideously corrupt theocratic state which holds back progress and covers up for paedophiles. Indeed, my own opinion on the Pope can be pretty much summed up by Tim Minchin's excellent song over here.
In this case, NOPE, We're diving off the deep end here. Catholics secretly run the EU, which is apparently the antichrist's government or something, the Pope is the Antichrist, and part of his EVIL PLAN is making the recognised sabbath a Sunday instead of a Saturday.......yeah.....heinous!
Also, I see they are citing Battle Cry, the newsletter of none other than evangelical cartoonist Jack Chick. How about that?
Here's some closeups of the page. I know you can just click the pages for the full size but I just want to point out some of the crazy highlights :D
Does that mean the old Betsy Ross American Flag is a SEKRIT CATHLOLZIC CONSPIRATCY AS WERL?!
You know, as stated earlier, there is a LOT to call out Catholicism on, like the institutional covering up of paedophilia, blatantly lying to vulnerable people about contraceptives, historical opression of its rivals, and INSTITUTIONAL COVERING UP OF PAEDOPHILIA!
But no it seems the worst thing they did is making the day of worship a Sunday instead of a Saturday. I know there's denominations for which the difference is important, but what the hell seriously? Is this one thing REALLY the worst thing you can accuse the Church of doing? It's like trying to get a known serial rapist arrested for jaywalking.
It doesn't help that pretty much everything about St Ninian here is entirely made up. There is no historical record of him before the 8th Century AD, and nothing more than traditional stories about the man himself. So yeah.
So....... the Royal family is the only thing standing between us and the SEKRIT CATHOSLIC CONSIPIRACYZ? Wut?
Again with the Sunday laws. It really is a single minded obsession with this single issue isn't it?
AND that's the halfway point. Click here for part 2